not just for clandestine meetings

Fish plays the Mass Effect 3 demo and can’t shut up about it:

Part 2, electric boogaloo. 

I tried a bit of multiplayer today. I was pretty terrible at it, then I figured out how to equip a sniper rifle, and rained hell. I may have found myself muttering “come on baby, show me your pretty face”, before ruining some computerized soldier’s good looks for just ever.

Then I got tired and decided to finish this.

AND THEN I PUT IT OFF FOR LIKE A WEEK SO FUCK WE’RE DOING IT NOW.

The Mass Effect 3 demo plays to one of the game’s strengths: the chance to see completely new worlds. With that said: hey everybody, let’s go to Sur’Kesh!

And now to bring you into the part of the evening where I scream incoherently at fictional people on my magical computer box.

OMG HI BABIES HI.

This whole sequence is a cocktease. I didn’t get to have Wrex in my party at ALL.

Bawww but lookit Liara stepping up for her krogan bro I fucking love you guys.

EEEE HI SWEETIE HOW ARE YOU.

OH.

HOTTER THAN HOLY HELL.

I SEE.

Anyhow the opening describes this as something like “two cultures are at war and you must escort the key to peace to safety”, but for veteran players it would probably be easier to say “Krogans, Salarians. Tits must be calmed.”

BUT WREX WILL NOT HAVE HIS TITS CALMED. Considering this has something to do with a: salarians and b: KROGAN WOMEN, and Wrex has spent the last few years playing diplomat on fucking Tuchanka of all places, this really was like giving him an engraved invitation to start some shit.

(I love Shepard’s “Wreeex.” AS IF THIS HAPPENS ALL THE GODDAMN TIME. “Wrex. No. N- ::sigh:: There he goes, jumping off the shuttle to cause an interplanetary incident in the middle of a war. AGAIN.”)

“Yeah let’s see how this is gonna work out for you.” 

Tits are briefly mollified and we get down to fucking busi-

EEE HI BABY.

Also: KROGAN FEMALE.

Which, unsurprisingly, seems to look almost exactly like a krogan male. Yes, good. 

(What IS up with that outfit, though. Maybe it’s a salarian thing? It looks kind of salarian, considering this is what their ambassador wears. In that case I bet she’s half pissed because she’s stuck in a cage and half pissed because she’s dressed up like some goddamn princess.) 

“AWW SHIT WHO INVITED YOU GUYS.” (Was it Vega? Something about him screams traitor to me. Maybe it’s the “random ass human soldier that shows up for the last fucking game because reasons?” thing.)

Once upon a time hpthugcraft had a hypothesis that Cerberus would throw all its manpower behind you if you had saved the base, but that option kiiind of went out the window when the Illusive Man started taking orders from his implants. Then again I don’t think Cerberus would have been all that down with curing the genophage even BEFORE their leader was indoctrinated (they don’t actually say what the salarians are DOING with these women, but considering Wrex describes her as the “best and possibly only hope” for the krogan people, and she’s in quarantine, I’m thinking her baby-making abilities have been fully restored).

OH.

Garrus baby you can have a gun when you look that good in a skintight black uniform. I’m not saying you wouldn’t look that good in a skintight black uniform, I’m saying get the fuck in a skintight black uniform.

(God and then he just says, “Always a pleasure to watch you work.” and JESUS CHRIST STUPID SEXY SALARIAN. GET IN MY PANTS.)

Apparently realizing you’d have to be playing with your feet to be stymied by a bypass, the game designers just went “aw, fuck it.”

Of course there’s a final battle and omg Mordin stop being so fucking adorable.

WHAT.

NO.

FUCK YOU.

THAT IS A FUCKING DUDE INSIDE A YMIR. 

JUST.

FUCK YOU.

And we end on Wrex presumably being ridiculously turned on, the end.

So I’ve been so fucking excited for Mass Effect 3 for so long I had started to get to that point where I thought it could never live up to my expectations and I would just be let down.

NOOOOOPE. 

Posted 3 months ago — 7 notes